Today's post is somewhat a continuation of the previous one simply because my feelings didn't get better. In fact, I feel much worse now as compared to before expressing my feelings in that post.
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Moving on to my post proper, I would like to thank someone who tried her very best to cheer me up by trying to talk some sense into me. But sadly my dear friend, it did the exact opposite. You know the thing is that whatever you said was true, and I have to agree to it, but only to a certain extent. Sadly, agreeing to that does not mean that its what I believe in and how I see things.
Its true that pushing everyone else away doesn't make you strong, neither does it make you feel better. But it definitely save me from getting myself disappointed further or even feel much worse. Besides, pushing everyone away, to me, can be a gauge of who truly wants and treasure you. Look at it this way, pushing everyone away means that you wanna be alone and those who truly treasure and want you would do their utmost best to breakdown that huge wall and barrier just to see if you're OK and still alive behind those walls and stay with you there till you are much stronger and better.
I'm tired, I really am. Its not just about physically tired but emotionally and mentally tired as well. Having to hide my true feelings is the only way that I am capable of doing right now, and will always stay that way. Yes, you are right that I should not be hiding my true feelings, my true self from my friends. But if my true self were to emerge, all the outings, meet-ups and whatever-not, would be a depressing one cause ultimately, I am a negative person.
I mean why should I be myself and dampen the mood of the meet-ups when I can just put a huge facade up and pretend that I am happy, so that everyone else is happy? Its not like I don't get anything in return. In fact, it makes me feel a little at ease knowing that those people around me, there and then, are enjoying themselves with the facade I put up there.
But then again it fails. Just like how everything else fails. My academic, my friendship, MY LIFE. Everyone says that you are bound to be good at something, there it is, I am good at failing and screwing things up. I mean, just look and count the number of success I have achieved for 21 years of my life, I can count them with just the five fingers on one hand.
Once again, I have to stop and control this overpowering emotions (crying and typing this out at work)
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On A Side Note;
This is specially for MR KENNETH KHO.
I have been wanting to talk to you about things, about how I feel and everything else. But I just don't have the time and opportunity to. So after reading what you sent me last night, I decided that this is the only way I can express myself.
First up, about your text to me last night. Why in the world are you apologising for letting me have the burden of COK? In what way have you let me have the burden? Tell me! In fact, you did the total opposite. You have helped me a lot and I know what you've been through to help me. I know that you quarrelled just because you wanted to help me. I should be the one saying sorry to you cause you have taken that burden of what is supposedly my run's and this other person's responsibility.
You have taught me so much and yet you are saying that you are being unfair to me? You're not Hun, You're not. I am thankful for you being there. You did not pressurise me in any way. Cause frankly from the very start, I did not blame you. But I did blame, however, that other person instead. Cause to me, this project was really a failure to begin with, just like how I am a failure in everything I do. I failed to complete the COK and I failed to show my appreciation to you till you feel like you are being unfair to me.
Another thing that I would like to tell you, Hun, is about the card that you wrote, or shall I say, the message behind my photo. I know that this does not mean anything to you, but each time I feel down, and when I say each time I feel down, I mean every single day, I would take out those messages and I would look at your message to me specifically. It makes me happier that someone remembers my favourite colour, someone actually feels that he did so much for me. With that, I wanna say a huge THANK YOU to you which I cant express enough.
You mentioned in the card that you were hesitant in putting me through the run and you glad you did. I have to thank you for that and I am really glad you did as well. I would also like to thank you for fighting for me to get me into this run. Cause I know there were people who were against it. I know you fought for it and I cant thank you enough.
The night when I talked to you about how I felt emotionless, empty and sad about my relationship with Sam. It really meant so much to me and I look back every time, thinking to myself 'why am I being such a burden to Kenneth when he has done so much for me?'
Lastly, its my turn to apologies to you about everything. About how you quarrelled with that someone just because the COK was delayed and also you took the initiative of making a decision without the consent of someone which caused you to give up and even thought of stepping down as a senior faci. It is not fair for you. Don't think of it as it isn't fair for me cause frankly, everything else that I do has already failed and this is just another one of those few so it does not hurt me as much.
Sorry I didn't reply your text from last night.
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`Kai
~Signing Off~