Vicious Cycle

I think I have reached the limit of my sanity. I guess my life is pretty screwed up ever since the time that I first failed. Keep telling myself that everything would be all right, that everything will get better, but it really isn’t. I mean looking back; I think I am far worse than before. This is really tiring for me, trying to please everyone, wait I know I am not trying to please everyone, its more of me trying to please the people that’s important to me. But sadly those few that really do matter to me cant seem to see what I am going through.

Well maybe it’s because of the fact that I have disappointed them first. I have disgraced them and hence I’m getting this back. Karma. When I heard it in the movies; ‘karma’s a bitch’ I used to think that it doesn’t make sense and that it is not true. But now it hits me so hard that I cant handle myself.

I have long since accepted the fact that I am a failure. There are just too many things that I fail in doing. And please don’t bother saying that I would surely have done something good, cause really those things that you think I did good or succeed in doing is useless. I mean just think would someone who is good in playing games succeed in life? Would someone who always ends up defending himself do well?

This feeling that’s been with me for so long just tears me down every single time. And each time I talk about it, there isn’t anyone who is there to validate it.

Well I guess I can understand why.

I am just too harsh to people that’s around me. I care too much for the ones I love. I put in too much hope in them to cheer me up when I need them, just like leaving all my eggs in one basket. And at the end of the day when this basket falls from the ledge all my eggs would be broken, my feelings shattered just like that.

Someone told me that maybe I should stop thinking about the negativity and occupy myself with hobbies. I used to think that it would work. I used to think that this advice would really help me. And I have been trying my utmost best in occupying my time with whatever hobby I have or even trying to take up new things. Ultimately I think why this advise fails is due to the fact that there isn’t any closure. No closure to whatever that I am feeling.

It’s a vicious cycle that keeps pulling me down and deeper into this state of helplessness. I want to help myself. But the number of things that makes me happy is depleting like its dinosaurs egg. Oh wait they are already gone. So yeah you get what I mean.

Ok maybe this post is just too exaggerated. But I think the reason as to why this post is here is because of the fact that I am coming to the realization that I don’t mean anything to anyone. Well that’s just how I feel. Everyone has their own ways of expressing themselves. And mine this. I just want to be noticed. I want to be remembered. I don’t like this feeling of being alone.

No one can understand me I guess. Cause all these while I put my emotions and my need of being cheered up in the hands of someone who doesn’t seem to see that. I should find a better place to store this. Cause at the end of the day this can be taken away from me. And when that really happens I would be left to just swirl in the never-ending emotions of darkness.

~`Kai`~

Tuesday the 17th, is relatively a nerve-wracking date for me. Reason being, it is supposedly my PR2. I had to show my school supervisors the project and progress of it thus far. It isn't really that big a deal to some people, but to me, it really is huge as I am pretty much worried about the project. I mean like, I am not sure if whatever I have done would be sufficient and also if it’s up to the standard as to how the school supervisors want it to be.

So, guess what? After sharing with him whatever things I have as my Major Project, I am proud of it and I dare say, it looks impressive. I really believe now that the most important thing is that I have put in my best effort for it. I mean like for someone who has been removed from school before and hated by the lecturers, I really think that my project work was really up there. Furthermore, the work that I did is really a lot. And coming from a management course with no knowledge of design and programming, the projects that I am using are pretty huge.

So about 6 months ago, I started out on a new chapter of my diploma education. Being attached out for the Student Internship Programme, I was sent to Saudi Arabian Airlines, now known as Saudia Airlines, as an Airline Representative. What is life without the challenges faced right? Since the very start, I already faced obstacles; I ended up being attached to the General Sales Agent of the company and am doing the Reservation and ticketing side of things. Then came a problem of projects.

You see the Major Project that accompanied the SIP was supposed to be done with other interns to that company, so in my case, I am supposed to be doing one project with this other guy who is attached to the airport throughout the full 6 months term. However, he was supposed to do an Emergency Plan for the airline, and I was still left there hanging with no projects whatsoever. That feeling really sucked cause I once again underwent this pressure of the negative mindset; ‘I’m a failure, and always will be’.

But few months on, I decided that I should not just brood over the fact that I don’t have a solid project that can guarantee me an A. instead, I told myself that with the amount of effort that I put in, the most important thing is that I do my very best and present to the board of judges what I have to impress them with.

So I ventured on doing a website for SATS staff to go on and make a reservation for our airline. Something like staff corporate benefits. After which, I went on with the electronising the procedures done in the office at the CTO. And only few weeks back that I thought; ‘hey I should do up a marketing plan for them’. With that, I looked into the possibilities of creating posters and brochures for the CTO.

Now, looking back at my work, I am really quite impressed with myself. The posters looks of really good standards and I really like how it actually looks.

Anyway now it’s the midweek of my second last week attached and it so happens that an audit is being done to SIN station; which means to say that I have to hide in the office over on the third floor, which frankly sucks cause the people there sucks. I mean in general I don’t really like the working environment over in this company but its far worst over on the third floor. I just felt that I wanted to punch their faces earlier on.

Lucky thing was that I managed to control myself. I guess it’s really the stress that I am facing.

Ok I have to make an exit now, meeting my lovely Teerak for dinner ^.^

Coming to an End

You know what? I really can't believe that we are already starting the 3rd week of September today. This means to say that my internship with SAUDIA would come to an end in two weeks time. Next week would be my last week here. It's hard to imagine that 6 months have passed just like that. All the tough times that I went through every single day, dreading to go to work every single day, and counting down on the days left before I finally leave the company. Now, I really feel that it's just too fast. I mean I'm already used to the life here. Just that travelling all the way to town area is the only setback.

But then again, I am looking forward to returning back to school, to complete my last 2 modules before I can finally go up onto the TCC stage to receive that scroll (well an empty piece of paper really).

Well all I can say is that right now, I am pretty much stressed. With all the rushing of the projects and what nots. But I will survive. Anyhoos will update more when I'm free :)

All Pent Up

It is now like almost the end of the month of August, like almost 8 months of 2013 has flew past. Life has not exactly been smooth, neither has it been too rough. No, it's not like things have gotten better over the past few weeks / months. I guess it's more of me being able to get through all these situations after getting accustomed to it.

I mean frankly, I do not think that anything can get easier on its own. I mean like just look at Mathematical questions, the questions stays the same right? It's just that we have practiced and gotten used to the formulas and what-nots-that we are able to solve the questions easier.

I'm not saying that life is really like solving a mathematical question and I know that whatever I just said is a bad analogy of my current state of mind. But if life is like the analogy that I just gave,  then by now I wouldn't be facing anymore problems right?

So what made me finally blog today is that, you know, thoughts came flooding my mind all over again over loads of things that has happened over the past few months. Being on internship obviously has its plus and minus. The bright side of this phase of school life is that I do not have to worry about my day-to-day performance. I mean like I don't have to care about those people in my course right? I just have to care for myself. But the bad thing is that I do not have anything to keep me occupied, well not enough for me to not overthink about matters that are pretty much trivial.

So lately, the problems that has been triggering all the emotional break downs are the same few that has not been solved and were just cast aside everytime it surfaces. Things like how I feel towards my relationship and things at home.

After much hesitation, I finally went up to B to talk to him and clear the air and sort the thoughts that's been really bothering me all his while.  Things that concern hin as well as things that I think he can help with. Which I will elaborate in the next post ;)

All I can say now is that i can no longer be the same Kai that used to be around. It is definitely too negative for everyone around me and the only way this can be mitigated would be that I stop telling people of my problems and my concerns.  It's after all for the best right? I just have to blog about it to release Amy pent up emotions and thoughts and at the same time I wouldn't portray a negative me to anyone. Besides no one really reads this blog of mine.

Emotions

Today's post is somewhat a continuation of the previous one simply because my feelings didn't get better. In fact, I feel much worse now as compared to before expressing my feelings in that post.

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Moving on to my post proper, I would like to thank someone who tried her very best to cheer me up by trying to talk some sense into me. But sadly my dear friend, it did the exact opposite. You know the thing is that whatever you said was true, and I have to agree to it, but only to a certain extent. Sadly, agreeing to that does not mean that its what I believe in and how I see things.

Its true that pushing everyone else away doesn't make you strong, neither does it make you feel better. But it definitely save me from getting myself disappointed further or even feel much worse. Besides, pushing everyone away, to me, can be a gauge of who truly wants and treasure you. Look at it this way, pushing everyone away means that you wanna be alone and those who truly treasure and want you would do their utmost best to breakdown that huge wall and barrier just to see if you're OK and still alive behind those walls and stay with you there till you are much stronger and better.

I'm tired, I really am. Its not just about physically tired but emotionally and mentally tired as well. Having to hide my true feelings is the only way that I am capable of doing right now, and will always stay that way. Yes, you are right that I should not be hiding my true feelings, my true self from my friends. But if my true self were to emerge, all the outings, meet-ups and whatever-not, would be a depressing one cause ultimately, I am a negative person.

I mean why should I be myself and dampen the mood of the meet-ups when I can just put a huge facade up and pretend that I am happy, so that everyone else is happy? Its not like I don't get anything in return. In fact, it makes me feel a little at ease knowing that those people around me, there and then, are enjoying themselves with the facade I put up there.

But then again it fails. Just like how everything else fails. My academic, my friendship, MY LIFE. Everyone says that you are bound to be good at something, there it is, I am good at failing and screwing things up. I mean, just look and count the number of success I have achieved for 21 years of my life, I can count them with just the five fingers on one hand.

Once again, I have to stop and control this overpowering emotions (crying and typing this out at work)

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On A Side Note;

This is specially for MR KENNETH KHO.

I have been wanting to talk to you about things, about how I feel and everything else. But I just don't have the time and opportunity to. So after reading what you sent me last night, I decided that this is the only way I can express myself.

First up, about your text to me last night. Why in the world are you apologising for letting me have the burden of COK? In what way have you let me have the burden? Tell me! In fact, you did the total opposite. You have helped me a lot and I know what you've been through to help me. I know that you quarrelled just because you wanted to help me. I should be the one saying sorry to you cause you have taken that burden of what is supposedly my run's and this other person's responsibility.

You have taught me so much and yet you are saying that you are being unfair to me? You're not Hun, You're not. I am thankful for you being there. You did not pressurise me in any way. Cause frankly from the very start, I did not blame you. But I did blame, however, that other person instead. Cause to me, this project was really a failure to begin with, just like how I am a failure in everything I do. I failed to complete the COK and I failed to show my appreciation to you till you feel like you are being unfair to me.

Another thing that I would like to tell you, Hun, is about the card that you wrote, or shall I say, the message behind my photo. I know that this does not mean anything to you, but each time I feel down, and when I say each time I feel down, I mean every single day, I would take out those messages and I would look at your message to me specifically. It makes me happier that someone remembers my favourite colour, someone actually feels that he did so much for me. With that, I wanna say a huge THANK YOU to you which I cant express enough.

You mentioned in the card that you were hesitant in putting me through the run and you glad you did. I have to thank you for that and I am really glad you did as well. I would also like to thank you for fighting for me to get me into this run. Cause I know there were people who were against it. I know you fought for it and I cant thank you enough.

The night when I talked to you about how I felt emotionless, empty and sad about my relationship with Sam. It really meant so much to me and I look back every time, thinking to myself 'why am I being such a burden to Kenneth when he has done so much for me?'

Lastly, its my turn to apologies to you about everything. About how you quarrelled with that someone just because the COK was delayed and also you took the initiative of making a decision without the consent of someone which caused you to give up and even thought of stepping down as a senior faci. It is not fair for you. Don't think of it as it isn't fair for me cause frankly, everything else that I do has already failed and this is just another one of those few so it does not hurt me as much.

Sorry I didn't reply your text from last night.

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`Kai

~Signing Off~

Depressed...

Before I begin with this post, I would like to apologies to anyone and everyone who thinks that I'm am referring to them. YES I AM REFERRING TO YOU!!!!

I really feel that I should put this site as my homepage so that I would remember to update and vent my anger here instead of on innocent people out there. At least my reputation wouldn't worsen (if I have any to begin with). Why this random post? Its not random, its just that I need to empty my stuffed bottle of emotions. Been having loads of breakdowns lately. Explains why I'm suddenly here all over again.

I just can't help but feel so negative about myself and my surrounding. I guess its partly because of the way I'm treated. But they always say that the treatment you receive are the treatment you do onto others right? Well the thing is, I don't remember treating others this way. In fact, I think I put everyone else before me. Maybe that's the problem there, I always put everyone else before myself.

I always complain that I am tired of this, angry about that, had enough of this and not gonna help that, but at the end of the day, I still take on new task, helping more people and through that process, get hurt once again. Is it me being dumb? Or am I just SELFLESSLY, and WILLINGLY, inflicting misery to myself?

Why is it that I can't have true friends that stick with me through my darkest periods like now? I know its too much to ask for since everyone has their own problems and issues to handle. But why is it that I feel like through this down moments I have, that's when all the shit reactions I get from the people who i hold dear to me is the strongest? I don't want to confront them cause I know I would worsen the situation. But keeping it all to myself, bottling up every single emotions, kills me from the inside. Crying every single night wishing that I could just die in my sleep so as to end my misery. Heck, end my burden to those around me, those I call 'FRIENDS'.

People always ask, 'Why didn't you keep in contact with them?' The answer is already there, its due to the way I was treated. For example; you keep in contact with me, texting me so frequently, making me feel like as though I have finally found someone whom I can count as my bestie after being reinstated into the course. But when you got into a relationship, you started drifting away, making no eye contact with me, ignoring my SMSes and even telling people about things that when I found out about those things, it made me feel so hurt and depressed.

Another example; you invited me for your dinner celebration, I mentioned that I have work and will see if I can make it. I even mentioned that I need the details about it and you said that you would text me. Knowing that you guys are all busy I waited for my phone to ring and vibrate indicating that a text has been received. The day after the mentioned date, I decided i should text you guys and ask, and what response did i get? You invited but I didn't come and claiming that have been informed. If you guys really wanted me there, wouldn't you text me on the day itself to see if I was coming?

Really, I feel so lonely deep down. That is why, I get worked up over such petty matters. I should be thankful for whatever I have, cause I know there are much worse family out there. But we're all humans aren't we? We bound to feel hurt and dejected.

I just want to feel like I'm appreciated, wanted and loved. I know how it feels like, to be deprived of those attention, and I don't want others to feel the same way too. That is why I put in my heart and soul into giving my attention and time to others.

Staying up all night to sew materials for the COK and finding out that the founder says 'not to count on it' and 'might call it off'. It really makes my heart cries its oxygen away. Its nothing really marvelous, but with the lack of attention and love from the people around you, those words not only cut you like dagger but mince you up like a food processor.

I should stop this post here. Too much things and emotions flowing out and my eyes hurts from all the crying.


Till next time.

`Kai
~Signing Off~

Ive been really busy the past few days that I did not have any time to pen down about anything that at all. Anyway this post shall be a relatively short one.

The second semester of the AY is ending soon, 28th of February to be exact. Looking forward to it. waiting for confirmation of my trip and then i shall enjoy before internship starts.

ok thats it for now.. imma head for a run now seeya

CHEERS

So hey guys, I'm wide awake now and like staring at my laptop, not being able to sleep. Well might as well just use this time to update this dead blog right?

I have been having this insomnia problem lately, in fact it has been going on since last year. I really feel tired but I just cannot seem to be able to fall asleep. But I daresay, one thing good about this is that I am able to complete more work, after all, I am more productive when its later into the night.

On another note, it is already the 20s of the first month of 2013, time really flies. Well talking about that it also means that it is reaching that time of the year where people would move on with their life leaving me all alone once again. What I mean when I mentioned this? Its the time where graduation is near. I'm like left with roughly a month before main exams starts which also means that I have that much amount of time to spend in school with the junior that is graduating. In fact this group of people would be the last batch of students that I actually know and close to. Sad ain't it?

For me, as they move on with their life, NS, Australia for University, I am still stuck in poly going for my internship. Another problem that I am not sure of the solution. It sucks you know cause I really have no clue as to where I am going to be sent out to.

Well time for me to go :)

My first post for this year. So yeah I decided to blog more this year. So I shall end here and think of what to blog later tonight :)

cheers