Emotions

Today's post is somewhat a continuation of the previous one simply because my feelings didn't get better. In fact, I feel much worse now as compared to before expressing my feelings in that post.

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Moving on to my post proper, I would like to thank someone who tried her very best to cheer me up by trying to talk some sense into me. But sadly my dear friend, it did the exact opposite. You know the thing is that whatever you said was true, and I have to agree to it, but only to a certain extent. Sadly, agreeing to that does not mean that its what I believe in and how I see things.

Its true that pushing everyone else away doesn't make you strong, neither does it make you feel better. But it definitely save me from getting myself disappointed further or even feel much worse. Besides, pushing everyone away, to me, can be a gauge of who truly wants and treasure you. Look at it this way, pushing everyone away means that you wanna be alone and those who truly treasure and want you would do their utmost best to breakdown that huge wall and barrier just to see if you're OK and still alive behind those walls and stay with you there till you are much stronger and better.

I'm tired, I really am. Its not just about physically tired but emotionally and mentally tired as well. Having to hide my true feelings is the only way that I am capable of doing right now, and will always stay that way. Yes, you are right that I should not be hiding my true feelings, my true self from my friends. But if my true self were to emerge, all the outings, meet-ups and whatever-not, would be a depressing one cause ultimately, I am a negative person.

I mean why should I be myself and dampen the mood of the meet-ups when I can just put a huge facade up and pretend that I am happy, so that everyone else is happy? Its not like I don't get anything in return. In fact, it makes me feel a little at ease knowing that those people around me, there and then, are enjoying themselves with the facade I put up there.

But then again it fails. Just like how everything else fails. My academic, my friendship, MY LIFE. Everyone says that you are bound to be good at something, there it is, I am good at failing and screwing things up. I mean, just look and count the number of success I have achieved for 21 years of my life, I can count them with just the five fingers on one hand.

Once again, I have to stop and control this overpowering emotions (crying and typing this out at work)

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On A Side Note;

This is specially for MR KENNETH KHO.

I have been wanting to talk to you about things, about how I feel and everything else. But I just don't have the time and opportunity to. So after reading what you sent me last night, I decided that this is the only way I can express myself.

First up, about your text to me last night. Why in the world are you apologising for letting me have the burden of COK? In what way have you let me have the burden? Tell me! In fact, you did the total opposite. You have helped me a lot and I know what you've been through to help me. I know that you quarrelled just because you wanted to help me. I should be the one saying sorry to you cause you have taken that burden of what is supposedly my run's and this other person's responsibility.

You have taught me so much and yet you are saying that you are being unfair to me? You're not Hun, You're not. I am thankful for you being there. You did not pressurise me in any way. Cause frankly from the very start, I did not blame you. But I did blame, however, that other person instead. Cause to me, this project was really a failure to begin with, just like how I am a failure in everything I do. I failed to complete the COK and I failed to show my appreciation to you till you feel like you are being unfair to me.

Another thing that I would like to tell you, Hun, is about the card that you wrote, or shall I say, the message behind my photo. I know that this does not mean anything to you, but each time I feel down, and when I say each time I feel down, I mean every single day, I would take out those messages and I would look at your message to me specifically. It makes me happier that someone remembers my favourite colour, someone actually feels that he did so much for me. With that, I wanna say a huge THANK YOU to you which I cant express enough.

You mentioned in the card that you were hesitant in putting me through the run and you glad you did. I have to thank you for that and I am really glad you did as well. I would also like to thank you for fighting for me to get me into this run. Cause I know there were people who were against it. I know you fought for it and I cant thank you enough.

The night when I talked to you about how I felt emotionless, empty and sad about my relationship with Sam. It really meant so much to me and I look back every time, thinking to myself 'why am I being such a burden to Kenneth when he has done so much for me?'

Lastly, its my turn to apologies to you about everything. About how you quarrelled with that someone just because the COK was delayed and also you took the initiative of making a decision without the consent of someone which caused you to give up and even thought of stepping down as a senior faci. It is not fair for you. Don't think of it as it isn't fair for me cause frankly, everything else that I do has already failed and this is just another one of those few so it does not hurt me as much.

Sorry I didn't reply your text from last night.

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`Kai

~Signing Off~

Depressed...

Before I begin with this post, I would like to apologies to anyone and everyone who thinks that I'm am referring to them. YES I AM REFERRING TO YOU!!!!

I really feel that I should put this site as my homepage so that I would remember to update and vent my anger here instead of on innocent people out there. At least my reputation wouldn't worsen (if I have any to begin with). Why this random post? Its not random, its just that I need to empty my stuffed bottle of emotions. Been having loads of breakdowns lately. Explains why I'm suddenly here all over again.

I just can't help but feel so negative about myself and my surrounding. I guess its partly because of the way I'm treated. But they always say that the treatment you receive are the treatment you do onto others right? Well the thing is, I don't remember treating others this way. In fact, I think I put everyone else before me. Maybe that's the problem there, I always put everyone else before myself.

I always complain that I am tired of this, angry about that, had enough of this and not gonna help that, but at the end of the day, I still take on new task, helping more people and through that process, get hurt once again. Is it me being dumb? Or am I just SELFLESSLY, and WILLINGLY, inflicting misery to myself?

Why is it that I can't have true friends that stick with me through my darkest periods like now? I know its too much to ask for since everyone has their own problems and issues to handle. But why is it that I feel like through this down moments I have, that's when all the shit reactions I get from the people who i hold dear to me is the strongest? I don't want to confront them cause I know I would worsen the situation. But keeping it all to myself, bottling up every single emotions, kills me from the inside. Crying every single night wishing that I could just die in my sleep so as to end my misery. Heck, end my burden to those around me, those I call 'FRIENDS'.

People always ask, 'Why didn't you keep in contact with them?' The answer is already there, its due to the way I was treated. For example; you keep in contact with me, texting me so frequently, making me feel like as though I have finally found someone whom I can count as my bestie after being reinstated into the course. But when you got into a relationship, you started drifting away, making no eye contact with me, ignoring my SMSes and even telling people about things that when I found out about those things, it made me feel so hurt and depressed.

Another example; you invited me for your dinner celebration, I mentioned that I have work and will see if I can make it. I even mentioned that I need the details about it and you said that you would text me. Knowing that you guys are all busy I waited for my phone to ring and vibrate indicating that a text has been received. The day after the mentioned date, I decided i should text you guys and ask, and what response did i get? You invited but I didn't come and claiming that have been informed. If you guys really wanted me there, wouldn't you text me on the day itself to see if I was coming?

Really, I feel so lonely deep down. That is why, I get worked up over such petty matters. I should be thankful for whatever I have, cause I know there are much worse family out there. But we're all humans aren't we? We bound to feel hurt and dejected.

I just want to feel like I'm appreciated, wanted and loved. I know how it feels like, to be deprived of those attention, and I don't want others to feel the same way too. That is why I put in my heart and soul into giving my attention and time to others.

Staying up all night to sew materials for the COK and finding out that the founder says 'not to count on it' and 'might call it off'. It really makes my heart cries its oxygen away. Its nothing really marvelous, but with the lack of attention and love from the people around you, those words not only cut you like dagger but mince you up like a food processor.

I should stop this post here. Too much things and emotions flowing out and my eyes hurts from all the crying.


Till next time.

`Kai
~Signing Off~