I think I have reached the limit of my sanity. I guess my
life is pretty screwed up ever since the time that I first failed. Keep telling
myself that everything would be all right, that everything will get better, but
it really isn’t. I mean looking back; I think I am far worse than before. This
is really tiring for me, trying to please everyone, wait I know I am not trying
to please everyone, its more of me trying to please the people that’s important
to me. But sadly those few that really do matter to me cant seem to see what I
am going through.
Well maybe it’s because of the fact that I have disappointed
them first. I have disgraced them and hence I’m getting this back. Karma. When
I heard it in the movies; ‘karma’s a bitch’ I used to think that it doesn’t
make sense and that it is not true. But now it hits me so hard that I cant
handle myself.
I have long since accepted the fact that I am a failure.
There are just too many things that I fail in doing. And please don’t bother
saying that I would surely have done something good, cause really those things
that you think I did good or succeed in doing is useless. I mean just think
would someone who is good in playing games succeed in life? Would someone who
always ends up defending himself do well?
This feeling that’s been with me for so long just tears me
down every single time. And each time I talk about it, there isn’t anyone who
is there to validate it.
Well I guess I can understand why.
I am just too harsh to people that’s around me. I care too
much for the ones I love. I put in too much hope in them to cheer me up when I
need them, just like leaving all my eggs in one basket. And at the end of the
day when this basket falls from the ledge all my eggs would be broken, my
feelings shattered just like that.
Someone told me that maybe I should stop thinking about the
negativity and occupy myself with hobbies. I used to think that it would work.
I used to think that this advice would really help me. And I have been trying
my utmost best in occupying my time with whatever hobby I have or even trying
to take up new things. Ultimately I think why this advise fails is due to the
fact that there isn’t any closure. No closure to whatever that I am feeling.
It’s a vicious cycle that keeps pulling me down and deeper
into this state of helplessness. I want to help myself. But the number of
things that makes me happy is depleting like its dinosaurs egg. Oh wait they
are already gone. So yeah you get what I mean.
Ok maybe this post is just too exaggerated. But I think the
reason as to why this post is here is because of the fact that I am coming to
the realization that I don’t mean anything to anyone. Well that’s just how I
feel. Everyone has their own ways of expressing themselves. And mine this. I
just want to be noticed. I want to be remembered. I don’t like this feeling of
being alone.
No one can understand me I guess. Cause all these while I
put my emotions and my need of being cheered up in the hands of someone who
doesn’t seem to see that. I should find a better place to store this. Cause at
the end of the day this can be taken away from me. And when that really happens
I would be left to just swirl in the never-ending emotions of darkness.
~`Kai`~
